28.03.13
I got my SAT scores this morning…. I’m really stupid…..
I would’ve been happy with at least a 1600 or something but I got a 1540…..
I feel so hopeless and like a loser and a piece of shit and everything like that…..
I am everything my family said I was…. stupid and everything…. going to end up homeless and die….
Oi! I got a 1540 too, Nobody told me we were going to become homeless and die because of it though, but if we do, then don’t worry, I’ve seen hunger games like 3 times- we should be okay if we stick together :) I believe we can re take them and do better too- yes? These scores don’t define who you are as a human being. Just be a good person. Its good to have goals and expectations for yourself, but don’t fret so much when you don’t reach them. Its not the end of the world, and I fully believe that you are going to be okay. Work hard, do what you have to do for yourself to be happy. But remember, nobody said you had to go to college, nobody ever said you had to finish high school, but your doing it anyway right? Its something you want to do right? Thats such an extraordinary thing and something to be proud of in itself. You chose to take this path, and its such a tough one, but its so honorable that your at least trying. I may not be your family, but I believe in you. I dont think your a piece of shit loser or stupid. I think you’re a kid, whose very confused and distraught and puts expectations on herself that something she can’t always meet. Theres nothing wrong with being like that, but don’t let it ruin you. Don’t let your family decide whats good and what isn’t. Dont let them tell you that you can’t be absolutely everything you want to be. Don’t let a number dictate your whole life, I know it can feel like it controls the outcome, but its doesn’t. Your going to be fine. We’ll take them again, and again, untill we get the score we like. And they can’t stop us from trying again, I know this, because I googled it ;) But in the mean time, since the wounds are still a bit fresh, have some Mustache Will Ferrell. <3 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uVNOFQf5LSE
My mothers drunk and Im scared.
I feel very low.
Not sad, I dont think.
Just low.
I feel really alone, and I know that sounds very babyish, and I don’t mean to I just can’t help it.
I miss my family.
I ate too much and am about to go running because I have to compete next month.
I hope running makes me feel better.
I really really miss my family.
I feel very tired but all I did was sleep all day.
I feel like Im rotting, but I can’t see it yet,
I feel dirty.
Like theres bugs on me but I can’t get em’ off.
and that makes me feel worse,
because there crawling and biting,
and gnawing,
and Im wasting,
and decomposing.
I feel like a 16 year old girl, and I hate feeling like that.
Because I am one and its bloody awful.
Maybe I should have talked more in school, maybe then I wouldn’t feel so alone.
But even if I had spoken up a little more, Im not too sure it would have made a difference.
I think I’d still feel very alone.
I just want someone here to tell me that Im not crazy. That its okay to feel alone, and not to worry, because we all feel a little alone sometimes.
And say, one day you won’t be alone. And that you’ll find people that understand you, and you them.
And you can help them not feel as if the world is towering over them.
Because right now,
I feel like the world is standing behind me,
looming over me with a shadow,
that I can’t help but be paralyzed underneath.
I want to live, but I can’t.
I don’t have the guts, and I don’t have the skill.
Im at that age, where I have the need to do things,
and the want,
and the motivation,
yet I’m held back,
by my own circumstances.
Im at that age,
where I have realized,
that the human man does a lot of useless things.
And Im at the point,
where I’m forced to decide
whether or not
I want to be part of that.
And I have decided I would.
With the sheer hope,
that this,
this awful crippling loneliness,
is not it.
“Those faces you see every day on the streets were not created entirely without hope: be kind to them: like you they have not escaped.” ― Charles Bukowski, The People Look Like Flowers at Last
“I never met another man I’d rather be. And even if that’s a delusion, it’s a lucky one.”
― Charles Bukowski
“I sit here
drunk now.
I am
a series of
small victories
and large defeats
and I am as
amazed
as any other
that
I have gotten
from there to
here
without committing murder
or being
murdered;
without
having ended up in the
madhouse.
as I drink alone
again tonight
my soul despite all the past
agony
thanks all the gods
who were not
there
for me
then.”
― Charles Bukowski, The People Look Like Flowers at Last
“Too often the people complain that they have done nothing with their
lives and then they wait for somebody to tell them that this isn’t so.”
― Charles Bukowski, What Matters Most is How Well You Walk Through the Fire
“you’ve got to burn
straight up and down
and then maybe sidewise
for a while
and have your guts
scrambled by a
bully
and the demonic
ladies,
you’ve got to run
along the edge of
madness
teetering,
you’ve got to starve
like a winter
alleycat,
you’ve go to live
with the imbecility
of at least a dozen
cities,
then maybe
maybe
maybe
you might know
where you are
for a tiny
blinking
moment.”
― Charles Bukowski, Bone Palace Ballet
“Find what you love and let it kill you.”
― Charles Bukowski
“I carry death in my left pocket. Sometimes I take it out and talk to it: “Hello, baby, how you doing? When you coming for me? I’ll be ready.”
― Charles Bukowski
“The Laughing Heart
your life is your life
don’t let it be clubbed into dank submission.
be on the watch.
there are ways out.
there is a light somewhere.
it may not be much light but
it beats the darkness.
be on the watch.
the gods will offer you chances.
know them.
take them.
you can’t beat death but
you can beat death in life, sometimes.
and the more often you learn to do it,
the more light there will be.
your life is your life.
know it while you have it.
you are marvelous
the gods wait to delight
in you.”
― Charles Bukowski, Betting on the Muse: Poems and Stories
“If you are going to try, go all the way or don’t even start. If you follow it you will be alive with the gods. It is the only good fight there is.”
― Charles Bukowski
“how come you’re so ugly?”
“my life has hardly been pretty — the hospitals, the jails, the jobs, the women, the drinking. some of my critics claim that i have deliberately inflicted myself with pain. i wish that some of my critics had been along with me for the journey. it’s true that i haven’t always chosen easy situations but that’s a hell of a long ways from saying that i leaped into the oven and locked the door. hangover, the electric needle, bad booze, bad women, madness in small rooms, starvation in the land of plenty, god knows how i got so ugly, i guess it just comes from being slugged and slugged again and again, and not going down, still trying to think, to feel, still trying to put the butterfly back together again…it’s written a map on my face that nobody would ever want to hang on their wall.
sometimes i’ll see myself somewhere…suddenly…say in a large mirror in a supermarket…eyes like little mean bugs…face scarred, twisted, yes, i look insane, demented, what a mess…spilled vomit of skin…yet, when i see the “handsome” men i think, my god my god, i’m glad i’m not them”
― Charles Bukowski, Sunlight Here I Am: Interviews and Encounters, 1963-1993
“Our disappointment sits between us.”
― Charles Bukowski, The Roominghouse Madrigals: Early Selected Poems, 1946-1966
“they thought I had guts
they were wrong
I was only frightened of
more important things”
― Charles Bukowski
“when the phone rings
I too would like to hear words
that might ease
some of this.”
― Charles Bukowski, Love is a Dog from Hell
“We don’t even ask happiness, just a little less pain.”
― Charles Bukowski
“pull a string, a puppet moves …
each man must realize
that it can all disappear very
quickly:
the cat, the woman, the job,
the front tire,
the bed, the walls, the
room; all our necessities
including love,
rest on foundations of sand —
and any given cause,
no matter how unrelated:
the death of a boy in Hong Kong
or a blizzard in Omaha …
can serve as your undoing.
all your chinaware crashing to the
kitchen floor, your girl will enter
and you’ll be standing, drunk,
in the center of it and she’ll ask:
my god, what’s the matter?
and you’ll answer: I don’t know,
I don’t know …”
― Charles Bukowski, Burning in Water, Drowning in Flame
“After dinner or lunch or whatever it was — with my crazy 12-hour night I was no longer sure what was what — I said, “Look, baby, I’m sorry, but don’t you realize that this job is driving me crazy? Look, let’s give it up. Let’s just lay around and make love and take walks and talk a little. Let’s go to the zoo. Let’s look at animals. Let’s drive down and look at the ocean. It’s only 45 minutes. Let’s play games in the arcades. Let’s go to the races, the Art Museum, the boxing matches. Let’s have friends. Let’s laugh. This kind of life like everybody else’s kind of life: it’s killing us.”
― Charles Bukowski, Post Office
“nobody can save you but yourself and you’re worth saving. it’s a war not easily won but if anything is worth winning then this is it.”
― Charles Bukowski
“mercy, I think, doesn’t the human race know anything about mercy?”
― Charles Bukowski, Love is a Dog from Hell
“Ann, I love you. I hope my car starts. I hope the sink isn’t plugged up. I’m glad I didn’t fuck a groupie. I’m glad I’m not very good at getting into bed with strange females. I’m glad I’m an idiot. I’m glad I don’t know anything. I’m glad I haven’t been murdered. When I look at my hands and they are still on my wrists, I think to myself, I am lucky.”
― Charles Bukowski, Hot Water Music
“I didn’t like parties.I didn’t know how to dance and people frightened me, especially people at parties. They attempted to be sexy and gay and witty and although they hoped they were good at it, they weren ‘t. They were bad at it. Their trying so hard only made it worse.”
― Charles Bukowski, Hollywood
“Even the stove and the refrigerator looked human, I mean good human - they seemed to have arms and voices and they said, hang around, kid, it’s good here, it can be very good here.”
― Charles Bukowski, The Most Beautiful Woman in Town
“I knew I was strong, and maybe like they said, “crazy.” But I had this feeling inside of me that something real was there.”
― Charles Bukowski, Ham on Rye
“Why do we embroider everything we say
with special emphasis
when all we really need to do
is simply say what
needs to he said?
Of course
the fact is
that there is very little that needs
to be said.”
― Charles Bukowski, sifting through the madness for the word, the line, the way
We are here to unlearn the teachings of the church, state, and our educational system. We are here to drink beer. We are here to kill war. We are here to laugh at the odds and live our lives so well that Death will tremble to take us.”
“We are here to drink beer. We are here to kill war. We are here to laugh at the odds and live our lives so well that Death will tremble to take us.”
― Charles Bukowski
“We are like roses that have never bothered to bloom when we should have bloomed and it is as if the sun has become disgusted with waiting”
― Charles Bukowski
“What a weary time those years were — to have the desire and the need to live but not the ability.”
― Charles Bukowski, Ham on Rye
“It was better for me when I could imagine greatness in others, even if it wasn’t always there.”
― Charles Bukowski, The Captain is Out to Lunch and the Sailors Have Taken Over the Ship
“the best often die by their own hand
just to get away,
and those left behind
can never quite understand
why anybody
would ever want to
get away
from
them”
― Charles Bukowski
“We are
Born like this
Into this
Into these carefully mad wars
Into the sight of broken factory windows of emptiness
Into bars where people no longer speak to each other
Into fist fights that end as shootings and knifings
Born into this
Into hospitals which are so expensive that it’s cheaper to die
Into lawyers who charge so much it’s cheaper to plead guilty
Into a country where the jails are full and the madhouses closed
Into a place where the masses elevate fools into rich heroes”
― Charles Bukowski
Obama, please just drop kick Romney in the eye.
Just in case you feel really alone
If you ever need anything, Ill be here, just ask, whatever it is, whatever you need. I dont mind, its okay, you’re not alone. Go ahead, say what you need to, I wont judge you. I have no right to.
Again, I promised, I promised you’ll be okay, that your not alone, so if you ever have a day, where you just feel awful, and you feel as if you can’t make it, just talk to me, tell me everything, anything you need to.
Im just trying to cope.
Im not depressed anymore. I think for long while I was, and it helped to write. It didn’t matter what I wrote, just that I was. It took me away, the writing, uh- well from my life. I appreciated it, and was thankful to it- writing that is.
Its difficult now, to write though. I think this happened because I associated my depression with my writing. I shouldn’t have done that, and I wish I was smart enough to know the consequence of doing this.
Im older now. I left my small little world, my little bubble. There was nothing wrong with my little world, except it was a fantasy, nothing in it was real. If that makes sense? I was very caught up in the emotions, very caught up in just feeling, despite the fact I smile a lot, despite the fact I walked down the halls at school with confidence, I still cried. I cried too much.
Im not saying Im a grown up. Im not. I still have a lot of growing to do, but I did change. I think people are surprised at me at school. Im not the same girl in the long daisy skirts and crochet tops. No mustard tights and chunky doc martens and platforms.
That wold was too small you know? The guitar, and the music, and those songs, god they were great, so powerful and emotional, but they were my weakness. Those songs brought tears to my eyes, my own lyrics killed me on the inside and I lived with the burden of fiction characters I made up in my own head.
I dont regret who I was, I need that small little world. That tiny bubble. I recognize though, that that little world I had made up in my head wasn’t helping me. I need to grow, I needed to grow.
Everyday Im gowing bit by bit, things are still tough, there’s a lot of things I need to fix,
But Im still breathing, everyday I just keep breathing. I say it in my head to, I write it on my papers and on the palms of my hands. Whatever I need to do to get through the day.
I hope I wont ever have to write in this blog again, I hope this is the last time, the last post.
This isn’t monumental, or that inspiring. I know. No words of wisdom or witty closers or tragic poetry.
I just can’t anymore. I dont feel it, Im so happy that I can’t feel that sadness anymore. Only ever sometimes, but its so much better then that world I would carry on my shoulders.
I’ll always have it, like a sickness it’ll come and go, change to each season and year. But I can handle it.
I can handle this now, I can handle myself. Im functioning each day, speaking more and more, going out, eating,- breathing.
Im okay, dont worry about me.
…..
I hope one day you can be just a little bit okay too. You don’t need to be happy, you don’t have to wear a smile on your face everyday, just never give up. No matter what. I know its hard, god shit is so fucked up, but it can’t be helped, you can’t change the world, not yet, not as quickly as you wish you could. It takes time, you need to work, you have to live through the pain for a little while longer. But I promise, one day, one day you’ll be okay.
Do you promise, do you promise me you’ll hang on for just a while? Do you pinkie promise, would you pinkie promise? Swear to me on your mother’s grave, cross your heart and hope to die.
I promise you, well get through it together, If I can make it, you have to be able to too. What are you going to do? Leave me all alone? To defend for myself?
You’ll never have to be alone, just remember Im here to, Im facing it to, every single day. It’ll always be a challenge, but just think of me and Ill think of you, and we’ll get through it because we’ll know were not alone.
Your not alone. Your still breathing. Your okay, your fine.
With love, yours truley,
The Wrigley Mint kid.
And who was I to blame?
For a girl who doesn’t believe in anything,
Who was I to blame?
So I threw it on my shoulders,
carrying the universes faults on my back,
and I tried so hard for it to not weigh me down,
I put up quite the fight,
But the battle was over before it ever begun,
I was a joke,
-Society ate me alive.
And you want to know what the punchline is?
I was barely even breathing to begin with.
