Just in case you feel really alone
If you ever need anything, Ill be here, just ask, whatever it is, whatever you need. I dont mind, its okay, you’re not alone. Go ahead, say what you need to, I wont judge you. I have no right to.
Again, I promised, I promised you’ll be okay, that your not alone, so if you ever have a day, where you just feel awful, and you feel as if you can’t make it, just talk to me, tell me everything, anything you need to.
Im just trying to cope.
Im not depressed anymore. I think for long while I was, and it helped to write. It didn’t matter what I wrote, just that I was. It took me away, the writing, uh- well from my life. I appreciated it, and was thankful to it- writing that is.
Its difficult now, to write though. I think this happened because I associated my depression with my writing. I shouldn’t have done that, and I wish I was smart enough to know the consequence of doing this.
Im older now. I left my small little world, my little bubble. There was nothing wrong with my little world, except it was a fantasy, nothing in it was real. If that makes sense? I was very caught up in the emotions, very caught up in just feeling, despite the fact I smile a lot, despite the fact I walked down the halls at school with confidence, I still cried. I cried too much.
Im not saying Im a grown up. Im not. I still have a lot of growing to do, but I did change. I think people are surprised at me at school. Im not the same girl in the long daisy skirts and crochet tops. No mustard tights and chunky doc martens and platforms.
That wold was too small you know? The guitar, and the music, and those songs, god they were great, so powerful and emotional, but they were my weakness. Those songs brought tears to my eyes, my own lyrics killed me on the inside and I lived with the burden of fiction characters I made up in my own head.
I dont regret who I was, I need that small little world. That tiny bubble. I recognize though, that that little world I had made up in my head wasn’t helping me. I need to grow, I needed to grow.
Everyday Im gowing bit by bit, things are still tough, there’s a lot of things I need to fix,
But Im still breathing, everyday I just keep breathing. I say it in my head to, I write it on my papers and on the palms of my hands. Whatever I need to do to get through the day.
I hope I wont ever have to write in this blog again, I hope this is the last time, the last post.
This isn’t monumental, or that inspiring. I know. No words of wisdom or witty closers or tragic poetry.
I just can’t anymore. I dont feel it, Im so happy that I can’t feel that sadness anymore. Only ever sometimes, but its so much better then that world I would carry on my shoulders.
I’ll always have it, like a sickness it’ll come and go, change to each season and year. But I can handle it.
I can handle this now, I can handle myself. Im functioning each day, speaking more and more, going out, eating,- breathing.
Im okay, dont worry about me.
…..
I hope one day you can be just a little bit okay too. You don’t need to be happy, you don’t have to wear a smile on your face everyday, just never give up. No matter what. I know its hard, god shit is so fucked up, but it can’t be helped, you can’t change the world, not yet, not as quickly as you wish you could. It takes time, you need to work, you have to live through the pain for a little while longer. But I promise, one day, one day you’ll be okay.
Do you promise, do you promise me you’ll hang on for just a while? Do you pinkie promise, would you pinkie promise? Swear to me on your mother’s grave, cross your heart and hope to die.
I promise you, well get through it together, If I can make it, you have to be able to too. What are you going to do? Leave me all alone? To defend for myself?
You’ll never have to be alone, just remember Im here to, Im facing it to, every single day. It’ll always be a challenge, but just think of me and Ill think of you, and we’ll get through it because we’ll know were not alone.
Your not alone. Your still breathing. Your okay, your fine.
With love, yours truley,
The Wrigley Mint kid.
And who was I to blame?
For a girl who doesn’t believe in anything,
Who was I to blame?
So I threw it on my shoulders,
carrying the universes faults on my back,
and I tried so hard for it to not weigh me down,
I put up quite the fight,
But the battle was over before it ever begun,
I was a joke,
-Society ate me alive.
And you want to know what the punchline is?
I was barely even breathing to begin with.
Whats the point of living if everything sucks either or?/
Everything is terrible,
everything sucks,
Its not gonna get any better,
its not going to go away,
everything,
every emotion and feeling is all fleeting,
You can’t hold it in your hands, and you can’t protect it,
theres nothing you can do.
You’re either too young,
or too old,
too stupid and lazy,
or too fucking smart for your own good.
fat, skinny, radiant, pretty- its all sucks.
Were all so sad- why can’t we be happy?
Where do all those smiles go, there only ever there for so long.
And then they’re stolen,
stolen by the universe,
the prince of darkness,
the reaper,
the grinch,
what ever the fuck it is you believe in,
and you don’t ever see it for quite a while,
never genuinely.
-Fuck, I keep crying, I kept crying, and now the tears stopped and I can’t FEEL.
Every time I feel like Im getting closer to figure out why,
why the fuck everything is so fucked,
and people so fucking disgusting, so repulsive,
why were all dying before we get to live,
why can’t we LIVE
I just want to LIVE.
Just let me, please,
its my dying wish,
and I’ve been dying for so long,
so long.
too long.
Give me a chance, an opportunity to just feel.
FUCK,
I SAY KEEP BREATHING,
JUST KEEP BREATHING,
BUT I KEEP CHOKING- AIRS NOT FILLING MY LUNGS,
ITS FUCKING TAINTED, FILLED WITH BLOOD, AND SPIT, AND DIRT,
FUCK I’M CHOKING, I BREATH THROUGH MY NOSE BUT ITS LIKE SNORTING A LINE OF COKE WITH A MISTRESS,
ITS FUCKING DIRTY, AND WRONG, AND YOU FEEL SO WRONGED,
SO BITTER.
IM SO BITTER.
Why?
I want to know why.
tell me.
please, please, please , please
BECAUSE EVERY TIME I ASK IM ONLY MET WITH DEAFENING SILENCE.
I WANT TO WHY.
I NEED TO KNOW.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME.
FUCK!
YOU TAKE IT AWAY,
YOU DANGLE IT IN FRONT OF ME,
AND FUCK
you ruin it.
all you do is destroy everything i love so much
everything i try to love.
god im a game, and youre playing me so fucking well
youre so old, and you know so much, seen so much,
so why do i amuse you so?
why do you you keep -
FUCK
WHY.
Just, I just..
I just..
too scared to die, to young to live,
stupid,
poor,
naive,
innocent.
I could go on and on,
I only wanted to know why,
and yet
-still,
all I could hear was the silence.
It was deer.
not a moose, I thought maybe so, I think when they were running sometimes they were, but not the whole time, the shifted from deer to moose, sometimes they looked so small, then other times they were larger,
When they hit they were moose, when they ran they were light on there feet, deer then, moose latter.
I had this dream about a pack of deer.
my dog got out of the house while my brother was leaving from his car, and I stated to chase after her.
I was getting farther from her though, she was running so fast, car were whistling past her,
Ive never seen so matter cars on a rode, going so fast.
Its was a huge blur of lights, but I kept running, I didn’t even think about getting hit by one.
Then all of a sudden this huge deer with antlers, I guess a moose,
came up behind her and was tailing her, going just as fast,
I heard screaming then,
I looked around to look for anyone else,
but it was just me.
the sound comming from my throat.
Anyway, so this huge moose was chaseing her, going just as fast,
I think they slowed down, or I sped up, but as they switched to my lane I tackled the moose,
antlers tearing my ribcage,
Im sure there broken and cracked, or bruised.
God theres nothing there.
So I took the tear and pull her up off by her antlers, my dog lying in front of me,
I guess we were on the curb in the side walk now,
cars still flying passed me.
I took the antlers and threw them to one side, sorta titlting its head to the right,
the deer got up them, pushing me forward- and then quickly running on,
I was so relieved, my ribs hurt.
But then I wasn’t alone, my brother and his friends in the car were lying on the grass with me, and my brother, he says- this is what he says, he goes,
“Theres more.”
And I get a little nervous so I turn my head and I see six more comming down, and 5 more just behind him, and god- even more behind THEM.
So Im anxious and I go, grab there antlers twist.
So we lye on our packs, and these moose try to run by us, and they don’t see us, ya know?
There eyes never touch us, but when they go past us they buck there antlers to the ground and try to lift us, but we squirm a bit and take the antlers and twist, and the moose, I don’t think they cared much for us because they then just keep running after we twist.
But then, a dozen deer come, and there bucking and nuzzling us with there antlers, and I can see it, and were all struggling, and my ribs hurt, and its getting harder to breath,
A moonlight on me is shadowed just by my head and I think,
“This is it, it wasn’t enough, Im not done.”
But I look up because I want to see the deer face,
And I did, but on it was a little girl, and behind her was another little girl, and they say very seriously, but voice still young and light, the first little girl she goes,
“Ride them,”
So me and the people, thats what we did, we’d twist there antlers and then try to jump on their backs.
Suddenly the group who was lying next to me started to decrease, all running off on these super moose, god they were so fast. ha.
but I was still lying on the floor, a new moose now running at me, like a bull fight he tried to get his antlers under my rib cage, though I tried to keep my elbows tucked to my sides, I flinched,
it must have hurt so much, cause I closed my eyes in the dream and couldn’t see, but I felt the antlers and twisted, I can still feel them benealth my finger tips, like a dog bone I guess it felt like. Just huger and wider, but solid all the same, so I twisted ya know, and sorta tried to throw my legs around em’,
I opened my eyes, but I could see it was’t working, and the moose just tossed me in the air and I landed on my back on the ground, I could see the clear night sky and the stars,
but it hurt so much and I couldnt breath and i don;’t think i was trying to anymore, really.
I just squeezed my eyes shut, really tight,
and then I woke up.
I dont think I had any real desire to hop on the moose. I tried to in a half ass effort. I think I was fine lying on my back starring at the stars covered in my own blood and writhing in pain as everyone around rode away to safety, as I waited for more moose to come and tear me to pieces.
Ah…but good night love.
Nobody wants to touch a cracked girl.
She might shatter.
Luck be a lady tonight.
You have no school tomorrow.
Your dad just got back from Germany, though you haven’t seen him since he hasn’t stopped by your apartment yet.
You’ve been working on an essay on civil union vs. gay marriage for the past 10 hours, have not gotten anywhere and have been watching the shitty halloween movies on abc family because youre to much of a nervous fairy to watch the movies on syfy.
You have both the windows in your bedroom open- someone down the street has a fire going. You love the smell of fire and cold crisp air and will willingly freeze off all your fingers for it.
Youre just wearing a t-shirt and boxing shorts, (this sounds inappropriate…things are taking a turn…)
(just kidding, adding fuel to the fire- very very bad. )
NO CAKE FOR YOU!
The wood tiles on floor feel like smooth ice to you,
Comforting cold.
Coils around you and strangles you breathless.
God- its really lovely.
Tomorrows Halloween, dont’cha know?
Of course you know though, doll, cause you’ve never been so excited- Oh I can’t wait till you all see my costume!
Ah but I can’t discuss it,
Spoilers love.
Ah! But it is rather lovely- more then lovely- just brilliant!
Really, really, really brilliant.
Okay, so not that much- but its very fun and I can’t wait- very scary!
But you couldn’t find a cowboy hat- Now you didn’t need the cowboy hat- but you would have appreciated it-
Now no, Im not going as a cowboy out and about- but I like the hat- very cool- I should have bought a squirt pistol, now that would have been cool.
Still nothing to do with my costume- but very, very, cool.
Pistols and stetsons- very, very, very, cool.
I saw a man wearing one in Wal-Mart when I was picking up face paint (which took forever to find, cause Im a tool and refused to pay prices of the halloween warehouse- which actually is a lie, because they were very cheap and in the end was forced to go there, only cost me 6 bucks- Im such a hockey plunk)
Anywhos, I followed him around the isle- which in my defense was slightly a coincidence because he also needed to buy cereal as well. But then his wife came by and just as I was leaping for the hat, I got nervous and fell short and quickly toodled my arse out of there.
It was really stupid looking, and inappropriate, and I think I just looked like I was trying to skip, but with an god awful twitch.
No but really, really wish I had a cowboy hat, and a squirt pistol.
On abc there playing this movie and he has a pistol.
And razor blades- I suppose now hes a ninja of some sorts. I’m not really sure, its a really crudey movie.
I love Halloween if you can’t tell.
You love Halloween- do you still? May I ask, if you still do?
What smile it used to put on your face then, is it the same now?
Ah. Very fun. Very fun for you kiddo,
but I suppose maybe no more?
Ah, but its okay, you’ll be okay, don’tcha worry bout a thing, cause youre still breathing, yeah?
Ha!
God I hope so, kiddo.
Ah but anyways, youre hanging out with dad tomorrow, you’re gonna play him you’re new songs, you’re very nervous about that, and sadly I have no comforting words for present you, but for future you, I hope you’re not so scared to be you.
I hope sometimes you wouldn’t feel so ashamed.
I know other people aren’t like you, but- but theres nothing wrong with being you.
People- people, they can call it crazy, but I know you know, this isn’t so.
However, I do also know, that you don’t know so much who you are anymore, but I believe this is just age. You aren’t anybody yet, but that just means you weren’t ever anybody to begin with. Because the beginning hasn’t begun yet, not for you anyway.
This, this is all, and always has been preparation, and molding.
And no Michelangelo sculpted you.
You had to mend yourself on your own, and you still are, and its hard, its so dam hard. Its the hardest of hards,
Theres bubbles in the clay, and theres cracks starting to form, and there popping up everywhere , and its getting so hard to sooth,
but listen, just listen.
Can you hear it?
Can’t you hear it?
Shhhh,
just listen.
Its you’r heart beat doll face.
And it beats so loud and pure.
So when things get tough, just quite down, love.
And just keep breathing.
Please be safe.
I don’t know what its like outside for some of you, but for me its snowing awfully heavily.
Trees are falling down and theres a lot of accidents on the roads right now due to the power outage.
Everyone please be safe and careful.
If youre out for Halloween please don’t drink too much, and be careful on the road.
Ah well, thats it- please be safe.
Sorry for being a prude- just be okay.
I remember I used to dream about falling a lot,
Sometimes it was off piers or large cliffs, once it was off the hollywood sign- but there was no hill, it was just the sign standing high in the dark clouds, it was so high I couldn’t even see the ground, just a grey stormy abyss as I fell.
Other times the floor would be made of glass and it shattered and I’d fall right through.
Before it cracked, I would look down through the glass and it would look like miles and miles, an endless sea,
When the glass finally broke and I fell through it always looked like it was hours of falling, but it felt like seconds.
Not even seconds, milliseconds.
I’d wake up very cold and alone in an awful fright, (I keep my window open though, so cold doesn’t really count)
And always really queasy,
-I don’t know, I get sea sick a lot- but on land, ya know?
Sometimes I dream about waiting in line at the grocery. Always at the grocery. And thats it, I just wait in line, and theres always two people ahead of me, but it always take forever, and then eventually I get so upset in the line I wake up. But its only after hours of waiting. So it makes no difference.
Those dreams always make me feel like I never even sleept, I feel hallow when I wake up, my back hurts, and my eyes feel like theres piss in them.
I get head aches too, these awful bitchin’ head aches- all the bloody time.
So I take naps periodically during the day, and try to stay up at night. But I don’t think it works..
I didn’t run today, I didn’t do anything.
I didn’t wash my face, or finish that song.
I didn’t study or read.
I woke up early though- I don’t know why, I just felt it was best.
It was unnecessary though.
I miss my dad, I wish I had friends,
I have imaginary ones, sometimes.
Sometimes though I can tell I’m just forcing myself on my imaginary other, so they only stay around for a little while.
I know though, its just me. Theres no one else talking back with me, hearing me.
Im alone.
Again.
My nail polish is chipped, I need too paint them again.
Sometimes I stay up late not doing anything, so I feel tired in the morning. Its the one emotion I have control over.
When my eyes feel like they’ve been dug out with spoons from lack of sleep its really comforting, cause at least I know I won’t have to think of what to do when I get home from school.
Just close my eyes,
And breath.
Just. keep. breathing.
